Ok, time to get even more real and raw than I've been and this time its about the now.
I've been receiving behind the scenes messages of love, of compassion and of questions asking when I'm starting sessions again. I realise the later comes from a place of love and the fact people miss my classes, and I also realise that maybe my social media doesn't portray an ill person laying in bed unable to move (which I'm not this time, thank god).
So here's what's happening and why I'm not setting a date to return.
As we were running up to the wedding I started to notice old signs of ill health creeping in, twitching, small fit like jerks, the slurring of words and brain fog, oh my god brain fog, to help clear this and keep going with work and wedding prep I didn't tell anyone and I relinquished my no caffeine rule, by three weeks out I was living off of 5 coffees a day just to keep going.
The wedding day arrived and all was amazing, I vowed that once that had passed I would give my self some time, we went on honey moon and had the best time, but I was feeling nauseous and exhausted. Celiac attacks were coming up thick and fast as we were eating in unknown places and my body was exhausted.
As you know I changed my lesson times hoping that a small reduction would help me, but the sickness didn't go away and the exhaustion stayed.
As I was driving to Southwold one Saturday morning I found myself in floods of tears and having to stop every fibre in my body from turning the car around and heading home, in the end the universe did that for me and drenched us in a storm, but my body and brain felt like that weather that weekend, a pressure cooker that was needing to explode and fall apart.
I was done, I needed some time. I got home and fell asleep on the sofa, woke up being vilantly ill and then slept some more. That's what led me to cancel the Sundays session that week.
But more so than the physical was the mental, I was so exhausted within myself I felt I couldn't hold space for others, I could barely speak to my loved ones let alone hold a class.
I woke up on the Monday morning with a very heavy bleed, we think very early days miscarriage, and that was the brick that the universe threw at me to stop. To finally give in and focus on me for a while. I've never been backward in coming forwards, I want and dream for a family, but we all know I get ill and suffer with my health.
So that's where I am, Im taking this time to nourish myself, do things that top me up, do things that make me feel good and make me love my body, I'm taking this time to clean my house, and cook supper for my husband and make sure he is happy and well, I'm taking this time to walk my dogs and ride my horses, and I'm taking this time to mentally repair as well as physically.
Theres a whole world of trauma that I have supressed over the years that I maintained myself as 'busy' and I now have an unwavering belief that its time to face it all.
For this I need to give myself time, time away from a structured schedule and time to do stuff when it feels right for me and give my body and soul time to rest when it doesn't. So instead of letting people down at the last minute I'm not putting a date on returning.
But I haven't stopped teaching, I'm just teaching in my safe space, where I feel I can be raw and unjudged and then I feel able to hold your space too.
I will start to put on pop up classes, things that make me tingle with excitement, things that my soul wants to do, I will continue to teach Wednesdays and Sundays regularly, the rest, well is there to be decided as and when my soul is ready.
I've never been blessed before with time, I've always had the pressure of money, and the worry of letting people down draw me back to work quicker than I should have, I've taught with a broken jaw 24 hours after having it operated on because I didn't want people to miss out, I've lead children with a broken ankle in an air cast because I wanted them to get their first canter, I've taught lessons 5 hours after standing next to my horse has she was put to sleep because I didn't want others to miss their riding and I've taught when I could barely stand, when it wasn't safe for me to drive to the session and when everyone else including drs told me I should be at home.
I'm blessed with time now, and I'm blessed with a deeper understanding of what 'manning up' and 'getting the fuck on with it' actually does to your body and your mind.
So that's why I'm taking this time.
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Thank you all so much for sticking with me, thank you all so much for understanding, for those that feel I've let you down I'm sorry, all I hope that I show others its ok to break and its ok to give yourself time to repair, even if from the outside world you look perfectly fine.